Advice to my younger self

Once in a while, I feel kind of old, like one of those gray-haired ladies on her front porch talking about “those kids today…” and giving out unwanted advice.  Maybe I’m not exactly a gray-haired old lady (yet), but I have “settled down” and acquired some life experiences already.  The person I would give the advice to is myself--my younger self.  The self who tried so hard to find her own way, was so driven, so ambitious, and so protective of her own interests.  I remember that 20 something girl in all her confidence.  She had the world by the tail, by God, and she was surely fabulous.  But, she was also distrustful, anxious and fearful.  I have made decisions that she would not have thought possible, and found happiness in things that scared her to death.

At 23, I was so good at being selfish that no relationship made it past the three month mark.  I remember telling my father, as I moved away to chase my career, “Dad, I don’t know if I’ll ever meet someone who I care about enough to put my own plans aside for.”  My ever-wise father replied, “God, I hope you do, kid, because life will be lonely without it.”  A year or so later, I met my husband (quite by accident and with very little recognition that this guy was “the one”). Finally, I had met someone who made me want to slow down, and it felt very strange.  Finally, I met someone who I wanted to consult on decisions, who I considered before accepting job offers.  Finally, I met someone who made me want to put someone else first (at least once in awhile).  Putting others first sure isn’t easy; that is where the real growing starts.

 Here is where my little old lady sitting on the porch comes out.  After 12 years of marriage, 2 children, and all that goes with it: heartache, loss, and transcendent joy, I would give my 23 year old self some advice.

• Choose a partner for how they treat you, not the “potential” way they might treat you.  If he looks like a jerk, sounds like a jerk, and acts like a jerk (to anyone), he is probably a jerk.  Don’t think that your love can change him.
• Experiencing new things does NOT end with your marriage vows.  Life is just beginning to get interesting and challenging.
• Be open to surprises, especially surprises wrapped in mundane, every-day packages.  That is where the real miracles happen.
• There is a great deal of satisfaction in seeing your partner happy in his or her life.
• True love happens in the day-to-day living:  the laundry, the cleaning, the midnight baby feedings.
• Don’t fear becoming “ordinary”.  There is no “ordinary”.  The most every-day, regular people have a sacred story to share.  There is no shame looking like them.
• Keep your sense of humor.  It is the best weapon in your arsenal to protect against depression and anger.
• If the things that terrify you come true, if you change careers, become a mother, (gulp) drive a minivan, and (horror of horrors) even go to church, you will still be YOU.  You will still be the same girl who rode horses across Scotland, traipsed her way through Italy, and moved 400 miles away on a hopeful job offer.  When you do all those things that scared the hell out of you, when you “settle down”, you will be just as challenged, fulfilled, and happy as at any other stage in your life.