Re-learning to be a Christian--the Beginning of the Story (more or less)

I had been attending a Unitarian church for about 4 years and really enjoying it.  I made some meaningful friends and done some meaningful work there.  I taught some religious education classes, joined the book club and several discussion groups and even led two church services.  All of this exploration has led me to read some Christian books and EVEN the Bible.  I was surprised last year to find out how meaningful the Christian view of things was to me.

I was finally beginning to see beyond the “Sunday School version of Christianity” that I got when I was a child.  I was beginning to see a universal story of salvation and some of my hang-ups began to slowly melt away.  I wasn’t offended at the idea of sin anymore, because I know that we all sin.  I’ve done some pretty rotten things, but that doesn’t make me a rotten person—it just makes me human.  So, if that’s what human is, well, then we all sin.  And, we can’t help it.  We can avoid it, confront it, feel bad about it, make amends for it—all kinds of things to help us do it less and to help it hurt others less.  But, we still do it.

And, it’s OK that we do it, because Jesus saved us.  And, according to Robert Capon’s view of the mystery of Christ (as I understand it), Christ had always saved us and was always with us.  We just didn’t know it and people were busy trying to be religious and follow gods and such.  Then, Jesus took mortal form to get us a message and show us through example.  Some people caught on, but many didn’t.  So, he took the most crazy way out—he let us kill him.  He used what Capon says is “left-handed power” and gave in to us.  But, we didn’t win.  He woke up again and started walking around and telling us how we don’t have to die either.  He showed us that he had already saved us—us and everyone else in the world before and after, forever—saved us from ourselves and made us whole.

As I write this, I believe it. But, I can’t quite believe I believe it.  I was so afraid of this.  I was afraid of being “saved”, because I didn’t understand what it meant to “take Christ into my heart”.  I remember having an image of a man inside of me and that was scary.  I was afraid to “confess and be saved” because I didn’t understand how I would be different and why I wasn’t already saved.  Now, I realize that not all Christians are hung up on this idea.  Capon says that Jesus is the light of the world, not the lighting company.  He says he shines like the sun, on everyone, and we don’t need some special “hook-up” to get him.  We don’t need baptism, confession, sacraments, communion or being “saved”, because we already are.

So why bother with the communion and all that stuff?  Why do I suddenly hunger for the Lord’s Prayer, communion and singing the Doxology?  It's because I feel like there's a party going on somewhere that I'm invited to and I finally want to join.  If I can buy into this incredible story, then I want to celebrate it.  I want to be knocked down by it, made quiet by it, brought to tears by it.  I want the whole extravaganza.  And, I am incredibly surprised that I want it.