Who am I to do this?

The Holy Spirit keeps bugging me; there must be something I am supposed to learn.  The idea that I’m supposed to be “listening for the Holy Spirit” keeps popping up in my life recently. It all started a few weeks ago when my priest told me, “Let the Holy Spirit guide you.”  I bit my tongue from my first thought, “Yeah, whatever…” and listened to his inspirational pep talk.  By the end of our conversation, I had tears in my eyes.  The faith he has in my ability to listen and perceive God’s will moved me.  Whatever else he learned in seminary, Fr. Tim sure knows how to motivate a person.  So, I thought, I waited, I thought some more, and made the decision, hoping my idea was somehow reflective of God’s will.  Holy Spirit, check that one off the list; I got it now. But, she was not done with me yet.

At church the next Sunday, the sermon was a little heavy on the “Spirit moving you” message.  I wondered if the lesson about focusing on the positive, having faith, and listening to God’s plan, was directed right to me.  Later on, I teased my priest about his message and our conversation earlier in the week.  I said, “OK!  I get it.  This Holy Spirit thing is something I need to work on.  I will have faith.”  You see, like most people I know, I’ve got some control issues.  I seem laid-back enough, until you get right up in my business and start messing with my stuff.  Or, until you give me a task without clear guidance and tell me to “listen to my gut”.  That makes me pretty damn nervous; then the fretting, worrying, anxious busy-body comes out.  Listen to my gut, yeah right--my gut has told me some crazy things in my life.  I mean, seriously, I should not be even basing my choice of breakfast meat on my gut!

So if listening to my gut is out, what, then, does it mean to listen for God?  In the midst of my questioning, I heard an answer of sorts.  I know I didn’t figure it out myself--something nudged me into realizing it.  I realized is that it’s not about ME.  That is a statement I’ve heard quite often (usually from my husband during an argument).   But this time, rather than a reprimand, it felt like a reprieve.  It’s not about ME--not my choices, not my desires, not my ability, not my mistakes.  It’s about something much, much bigger than me--it’s about the Kingdom of God.  

We live in a fragmented, individualist society, prizing independence and teaching our children responsibility.  I want to believe that my choices matter, that I am in charge of my own success, that my ability stems from hard work and strong character.  That’s not necessarily true.  This is where the Holy Spirit gets all in my face.  This is when I realize that it isn’t all on me.  There is something beyond me that catches me when I falter, that nudges me towards the light, that woos me into a loving relationship with God and with the world.  When I wonder if I’m capable of making wise decisions and positive change in my community, it’s OK if the answer is, “Not on my own.”  The true answer is, “I will, with God’s help.”   As a member of the body of Christ, we are all vessels through which God will bring in his kingdom.  When I wonder, “Who am I to accomplish this task?  Who am I to lead?”, the Holy Spirit answers, “You are a blessed Child of God!”