Has Christianity changed me?

I don’t like change.  I get nervous when my husband moves furniture in my house, or rearranges our junk drawers.  I love my routine: my same breakfast, my same bedtime, my same snacks.  For a person terrified of change, though, I’ve had my share of it recently.  Within the last eight years, I have lost my father, earned a master’s degree, changed careers, had two children, and become a Christian.  Sometimes I think my younger self might not even recognize me now.

Given all the changes in my life, returning to church was one of the most difficult. I avoided it for months; listening to hymns in the car and googling sermons on Sundays.  In the midst of my longing, I stayed out of church.  I was afraid--afraid that admitting that I was a Christian would change me.   There weren’t many “church people” in my life, and some of my friends and family were a little worried, too.  Worried that I would become a holier-than-thou holy-roller, that I would quit drinking, dancing, and doing anything fun, that I would tell my friends they were on the road to hell, all of those things.  It may not make any sense, but I was a little afraid--deep, deep down.

After months of “closet Christianity”, I faced the fear and walked through the church doors.  I wasn’t sure it would stick; I expected to run back to my "spiritual but not religious" world within a month or so.  I questioned the priest, early and often, about all of my “deal-breakers”.  Would someone tell me that women should submit to men?  Would someone preach that homosexuality was a sin? Would someone tell me I had to be “saved” or I was going to hell?  Which one of those things was going to send me running for the door?  None of them happened and I am still there, more and more invested every week.

After a few years of prayer, Bible study, and communion, have I changed?  Well, I still like my beer, I still have a smart mouth, and I still swear like the proverbial truck driver when provoked.  I didn’t think my friends who happen to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender are sinners for their “lifestyle” before I went to church, and I sure don't think it now.  I still believe that Jesus meant to save everyone, all of us, by grace and not by our works.  I still want to escape if someone asks me, “Have you taken Jesus Christ as your personal savior?”   I am still cranky, still prone to minor temper tantrums, still dreadfully addicted to coffee. Wow, my church must not be working very well, if I haven’t changed at all.  Someone better talk to my priest!

Has Christianity changed me?  I don’t wear a cross and there is no Jesus fish on my car.  I hope the change is more noticeable and more lasting than jewelry or bumper stickers.

• I have felt peace, so I can be peaceful.  In the midst of anger, frustration, and impatience, I can turn to Christ.  I can take a deep breath and pray, “Have mercy on me, a sinner.”  I can weigh my words before I speak and consider my actions before I react.  And, when I fail, I can pray again, and forgive (myself) again.
• I have been accepted, so I can learn to accept.  Not only the people who look like me, or work like me, or vote like me, but others.  The others, the poor, the rich, the educated, the ignorant, the liberals, the conservatives, I can learn to meet them and treat them like people.  I can learn to relate to people, to listen, to respect, to value their inherent worth, as I have been valued by God.
•   I have been forgiven, so I can forgive.  It’s not easy, and it requires prayer, but I work on it.  At least, I pray for the ability to forgive.  I’ve learned that if you honestly want to forgive, God grants those wishes.  Jesus takes the hurts I used to hoard like precious jewels, like armor, like ammunition, and he heals them.  After that, I don’t need armor and ammunition anymore.  After that, I am free
• I have been loved, so I can love.  I can see love in unusual places, in small gestures, in the mundane.  I can recognize love in chores completed and return it in patient listening. In the middle of the daily insanity of exuberant, unruly kids, barking dogs, messy houses, and tired spouses, I can love this crazy, ordinary life and all those involved in it.

As much as Christianity changed me, it is not a self-improvement plan.  I didn’t find forgiveness, grace, acceptance, and love through hard work, meditation, centering myself, or communing with nature.  I didn't accomplish any of it myself; the grace and love of God was always there, always waiting to be noticed.  Worship just allows me to wallow in grace and marinate in love, until it seeps into my pores.  You can’t help but be changed by that.