When it comes to churches, I am a serial monogamist, currently involved in a committed relationship. Joining the Episcopal church has been a series of paradigm shifts and life changes. Many articles on finding a church home give advice: shop around, make checklists, and weigh options. Those are all good strategies, but I didn’t do any of them. My gut led me on a slightly different journey.
To me, joining a church isn’t a shopping trip. It isn’t about finding the best make and model, looking at consumer reports, setting your price and closing the deal. It’s a relationship; quite literally, a relationship with Jesus and a whole bunch of his pals. Jesus is hard enough to date, what with all his expectations, like loving your enemies, forgiving your trespassers, and laying down your life to follow him. It is not easy to be loved, just as you are, the way Jesus does. It takes some getting used to. To complicate it further, you can’t just date Jesus by himself; he brings all his friends along. When you begin a relationship with Jesus, a church comes as part of the bargain, which is sort of like dating four, or twenty, or fifty, or five hundred, of Jesus’s friends.
To begin the relationship, I did my homework. I found the closest church that appeared to match my theological convictions and I stalked it. I scoped out the website, drove by the building, asked around the town about it. I googled the church, the diocese and the denomination. I read books. I emailed the church office.
Then, I took the risk of showing up for the first blind date. I walked in the door and looked around. Nothing scary yet, some friendly faces, some welcoming smiles. It felt pretty good, a few butterflies, but comforting, too. Yep, there might be some potential here. We made plans for a second date, and a third date. Things got more comfortable. I began to fit into the rhythm, to learn the lingo, to make a couple of acquaintances. It took some effort. I had to keep showing up. I had to be available and open to new experiences, like serving fish dinners, or working at rummage sales. I had to listen and be brave enough to share my own thoughts. The church reciprocated; the people were warm and they listened, too. As in most relationships, I got back what I put into it.
After several months, it was time to take the next step and get more involved. I volunteered to organize Vacation Bible School. Taking on a project in a new church is sort of like the first time you go on vacation with your new boyfriend or girlfriend. You find out who brings the food, who sings the songs, who shows up, and how they do things. This turned out to be a great vacation, and we ended up closer than ever. I made new friends, had a blast, took some great photos, and made plans for next year.
Eventually, in every dating situation, you have to meet the family. Church is no different. Most churches describe themselves as a family, which can be wonderful--or quite dysfunctional, depending on the situation. Many people are related to their church--their parents were married there, or began the church, or built the bell-tower, or directed the choir. There are families within families and there might be feuds layered on feuds. Hopefully, when all the history and interrelations come to light, you find a loving, supportive community (even if it’s a little odd, as most families are). Thankfully, my church family seems pretty healthy.
Things were going along swimmingly. I was getting to know the family, feeling comfortable enough to be myself, sharing relationships and building trust. All of a sudden--commitment time! Do you want to be confirmed? Would you consider joining the vestry? Things were getting serious now. I had a few moments of doubt and fear, but I decided to take the plunge. After all, I wanted a church that would feed my soul, and that takes effort. My soul is not on a feeding tube, I have to find the nourishment, prepare it, and eat it myself. It is an active process. I need to take responsibility for finding, maintaining, and caring for the church that feeds my soul.
As in any relationship, I know the church will disappoint me sometime. I will get angry, sad, frustrated, and impatient sometime. I will drop the ball sometimes and fail. I will try something new and get hurt. Healthy relationships are not always roses, chocolates, and loving words. Sometimes they sting with honesty, challenge our abilities, and surpass our expectations. I hope that my church relationship is strong enough to endure the inevitable challenges. With Christ’s help, I know it will be.
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