Sometimes, I think priests and ministers just like to confuse me. When I seek answers from the clergy in my life, I usually only find more questions. No one must be able to pass Seminary 101 until he masters the rabbinical art of answering a question with a question. If I had a dollar for every time I heard, “If you think you understand it, it isn’t God”, well, I’d be able to treat myself and a few friends to Starbucks. Recently, I took on a new project at church. A little nervous, I called my priest, hoping for some guidelines, goals, and objectives. My teacher brain wanted to know what our end result would be, so I could figure out the steps to achieve it. I should have known better. Instead of a nice, specific scope and sequence, he told me to “trust my gut” and “listen to the Holy Spirit”. “Really”, I thought, “I ask for reassurance and strategy and you tell me to listen for what God wants me to do? Come on, dude!”
I mean, do normal people in secular jobs go around listening to the Holy Spirit? I pray for wisdom and patience. I pray for discipline and forbearance. I pray for guidance. But, I don’t think I’ve EVER thought, “the Holy Spirit is telling me to do a Narnia Vacation Bible School.” Or, “the Holy Spirit is guiding me through that difficult parent conference.” I’ve never, once thought, in the moment, “Oh, thanks Holy Spirit, for helping me out.” I mean, wouldn’t that be a little crazy? Living a meaningful, mature Christian life is kind of new to me. Do other people have relationships with the Holy Spirit? How will I know when she shows up? What kind of coffee does she like? In this rational, modern world, what space do I make to recognize the Holy Spirit?
I do believe the Holy Spirit guides my life, in a general type of way. Looking back on stressful decisions, I can identify moments when something miraculous, grace-filled, and extremely synchronicitous led me in a surprising direction. It made sense to call upon God for help when I was laid low, anxious, frustrated, and a total mess. I feel a little silly calling upon the guidance of the Holy Spirit to choose an adult study curriculum. But this is the moment when the rubber meets the road, when my faith affects my everyday life. I’m a relatively new adult Christian, still finding my feet in this complex faith.
Theologian Marcus Borg calls Christianity a lens through which to see the world, and at first that lens gave me new eyes. I stared at familiar things with new interest, finding new meaning in old stories, seeing previous experiences in new light. Lately, the lens has become a familiar tool of practice, my regular way of seeing. A tool I work with to forgive and ask forgiveness, to find peace, and to give thanks. Now, I’m supposed to use that tool to find guidance from a mystery, to wait upon the Holy Spirit to guide me. Not so easy!
What I need is faith, and not faith in myself. I’ve always struggled with self-doubt. Even when I long to serve, I wonder if I truly have the knowledge or the skill to pull it off. After all, who am I to decide things? Who am I to lead? I cover it up with competence and hard work. I prepare, I think, I cover my bases, I get A’s, and I stack up credentials. If I can’t manage it, then I probably won’t commit to it. This combination of humility and work ethic has served me well in life so far, and I hide behind it often. I’m pretty sure that’s why my familiar plan won’t work right now; I need to learn that sometimes the answer is beyond me and that’s OK. Sometimes, the answer isn’t even the point. Sometimes, asking the question is the most important thing.
If a person believes that God is “the great love in which we live and move and have our being”, then God surrounds us every minute of every day. Once in a while, we notice God, when we are quiet, or peaceful, or desperate, or at our wit’s end. Once in a while, we give up trying to control, to plan, to manage things. Once in a while, we take our self-doubt to someone and he says, “Trust in the Holy Spirit”. And, once in a while, we don’t laugh it off, or deny the possibility. Instead, we live with the question, we hope and pray, with a little tear in our eye, that the Holy Spirit shows up and joins us for coffee.
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